sometimes I think online friends get this skewed perspective of my life since I tend to post happy, cheerful, smiley things about my life. And in general, I am a happy, slighty perky person that loves life and has way more than I deserve, so those Facebook status’ and those blog posts are totally honest. But I have bad days. Heck, I have bad weeks.
Recently, I’ve been having bad days. I feel like when week 21 of pregnancy hit, a switch went off emotionally…lots of tears about dumb stuff, simple things turned into productions, and meltdowns about pretty much anything became more normal than not. If there’s anything I can’t stand more than falling apart over stupid stuff, it would be feeling like I have no control over falling apart! ARGH!
I’m not ready to already be an emotional basket case. Or to already feel like my belly is BIG – I still have June, July, August and September to weather before this sweet baby girl makes her appearance! I would like to find that perky, more energetic Johanna that I was pre-children. Will that person ever come back? Or does motherhood along with the responsibilities of life and adulthood inevitably alter your personality? I need to find some joy supplements. I’m not depressed or in the depths of despair, but some measure of verve and happy has leaked out somewhere along the way, and I’d like to add it back.
I know I need to spend more time with the Joy Giver, the Living Water – my Savior, Jesus. One of the greatest challenges of my recent years have been how the “cares of this life” impact my relationship with Christ, as much as I don’t want them to and would like to be Super Christian that always always makes time for what’s Most Important.
When I was single, it was often just Him and I on this adventure of life and now it is me and Him and Kyle and Jack and Co. I quickly let Him and I coast in favor of caring for and spending time on “them”, not to mention other perfectly worthy pursuits that distract and detract. It has been a constant struggle…marked with times of victory and sweetness along with dryness and drifting.
I’m so very grateful that through it all, He remains Faithful and True. His steadfast love NEVER changes and even when I find myself prone to wander, He is a Rock of refuge and maintains that I am precious to Him.
So there you have it – thoughts from Johanna: raw, uncut and vulnerable. And not eternal Little Miss Sunshine. 🙂